Over the past few months, many things have happened. I found myself getting addicted, being infatuated, having euphoria, having work overload, getting into quarrels, being neutral, losing a great relationship. I have never been neutral in my entire life. I'm either right, or left, up or down. There is no middle ground for me.
I'm wondering whether these issues, together with my assignment, is causing me to experience a crisis. The assignment is to write on the crises I have experienced in the past, and writing about these crises have caused me to experience all the crises in my life all over again.
Over the past few weeks, my feelings had been in a mess. Like Macbeth said, "This supernatural soliciting, cannot be ill, cannot be good." If it was bad, why did I feel good? And if it was good, why did it cause all the subsequent conflicts? Only I am aware of all the conflicts that happened, why it happened. I wished Dr Tom was around to help me.
Why is it a crisis? Initially I have no idea what my feelings are for the traumatic events which happened in the past, so it made writing the reflective essay difficult, as it was very difficult for me to recall how I felt. I know that when my grandfather died, I did not cry. I was either emotionally numb, or composed. And was my inability to recall what I felt due to me being in a state of crisis, or was it because I really had no feelings when those crises happened?
And subsequently, when the memories and feelings started flooding my brain, my emotions are let loose, and I experienced the crises all over again!