Death of my grandfather

I'm having difficulty sleeping once again, and thought I should continue the crises series.

One night, the family was told that my grandfather was about to die. We immediately took a taxi and rushed to my grandfather's place. While inside the taxi, my mother and my sister was crying away. I did not know why my sister was crying, and I asked her what death meant and she explained it to me. Till today, I find myself confused and uncertain about what I felt back then. If I understood what death meant, why did I not cry back then, as I would be losing a person who treated me very nicely and showered love and concerns on me. I was standing at my grandfather's bed when he passed away and everyone else cried except me. We were sent back home so that we could get some rest. I was thinking of going to school the next day, and I remembered being told to give the school a call to say that I wouldn't be going to school due to my grandfather's death. In addition, I was told that when I returned to school, I would have to wear a small square piece of black or blue cloth on the upper left side of my arm. When I attended school, I behaved as per normal in class, as if my grandfather did not die, though I kept quiet and did not interact at all with the rest of my classmates. I was able to think clearly and it seemed to me that my decision process wasn't affected at all.

At my grandfather's funeral, everyone cried, except me. There was a funeral rite where everyone had to use sticks to whip the air, and call out my grandfather's name. I didn't understand then the need to use sticks to whip the air. I asked and even though it was explained to me, I thought it was silly to do so. Also, I also didn't understand why everyone else was crying and I wasn't. I was emotionally numb, or perhaps emotionally composed. I couldn't believe that my grandfather had died, even though I saw his body in the casket. It was very conflicting in that I accepted the news of his death as a fact, yet outwardly, I did not display any signs of sadness.

Looking back, I'm not sure whether I had gone into denial, or acceptance that he was dead. I knew for certain that I did not experience the five stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. During this time, except for the one day that I didn't go to school, the rest of the time, I did. At 13, I didn't understand what death was about, until my grandfather died and it was explained to me.  I've always wondered whether my inability to cry at my grandfather's death and at his funeral meant whether I was in a state of shock at that time, or that I had difficulty expressing my sad feelings, or something else.

Today, I believed that back then, I have suppressed the hurtful effects of my grandfather's death, and moved on, without having resolved the trauma of his death. Whenever I thought about my grandfather now, I was able to cry, however, crying wasn't something I was able to do easily back then.