I remembered something back from more than two decades ago in my past that I've read: "shakes so my single state", and I forgot everything else before or after. A quick search and it turned out to be Macbeth's soliloquy.
Whose horrid image doth unfix my hair,
And make my seated heart knock at my ribs,
Against the use of nature? Present fears
Are less than horrible imaginings:
My thought, whose murder yet is but fantastical,
Shakes so my single state of man, that function
Is smother'd in surmise; and nothing is
But what is not.
And I realized how appropriate it was. I now know and understand why addicts find it difficult to share their problems, and why they imagined no one else would understand them. It is because, in order to understand an addict, you have to be an addict first. If you are not an addict, how can you claim to even understand an addict, or the depth of the problem?
My addiction is so intense that I have been in a state of euphoria and feeling feverish for a few times for the past 6-8 weeks. It is surprising to me as well that the intensity for such an "addiction", or "obsession" (for lack of better words) is so strong that thoughts about the addiction kept reverberating in my head.
Five days ago (22 July), I made a promise to myself and committed myself not to take any further actions in relation to the addiction. The reasoning is that thoughts lead to feelings and actions. If I can restrain my actions, surely my feelings and thoughts toward the addiction will cease.
Yet, due to an unforeseen incident (which is out of my control) on 25 July, I renewed my feelings, thoughts and actions toward the addiction on that day (a Saturday) and the next day as well. I need to focus my thoughts and feelings. If I can drop a 26-year-old addiction easily, I can definitely drop a 2-month-old addiction as well.
This also explains why for the past few weeks, I have been listening to Michael Learns to Rock's Salvation, which makes me think if I should be attending MLTR's Singapore concert on 4 Sep.